| Apology |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|08:26 am] |
|
I have to admit that I have gotten a bit worked up about stuff that I typically don't care about. I don't want pity, but I think I am looking for someone to understand what I am going through. I am not likely to find that person here, so I don't know why I even bothered. I always get to a point where I think that if I describe things in enough graphic detail, then someone will really get what it feels like, but that is not the case. Once I open up that door to emotion, then all of my feelings come out at once! So, the door is shut, and I will go about with a happy smile again. I prefer that. |
|
|
| Whatever |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|05:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Monday Night Football | ] |
There are some things that I feel I need to make clear:
1) I do not presume to know what a person's childhood was like, nor should anyone presume to know mine. Haha, I know this was my Decathlon speech, but I can barely remember that anymore. Sorry if you are forced to watch it or something, but that was over three years ago! If you think you know what I went through, then guess again. Love and morals??? Yeah, don't go guessing so quickly.
2) I had no intention of being mean. I don't think I am a mean person, and while I had been angry the night before, I felt like I wrote what I did with a great deal of perspective and honesty. Yet, I still came out feeling badly about what I said. Why is that?
3) I am not looking for sympathy or pity. Why do you think I don't write more? I felt compelled to offer a new perspective, and I came out looking like a "poor little me"! Yes, I continue to get freaked out by the fact that this brain tumor may kill me. I don't like the idea that if it doesn't kill me now, it could come back in five years or ten years or twenty years and do it then. And yes, I feel sad when I lose handfuls of hair in the shower until I am bald.
By writing this, I look like I want people to feel sorry for me, but I promise this is not the case. I have to come to terms with my illness, and the more I talk about it (or write in my case, because the radiation is causing me to lose the words I mean to say and stumble mid-sentence), the better I feel. I, too, need to vent, and I give you my total support in venting whenever you need to. Then, give me the freedom to respond in whatever fashion I feel I can. It's that simple! |
|
|
| Yeah, whatever |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|12:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | football commentary | ] |
I was going to do this kick ass "fuck everything" list like the other infamous entry, only mine was going to be even better, like: fuck tumors, fuck chemotherapy, fuck radiation, fuck having hair fall out, fuck feeling nauseated, fuck headaches, fuck brain swelling, fuck fatigue, fuck brain surgery.... but I figured you all have heard that too many times! Haha!
Last night, I had this whole plan to write a blistering reply to the argument about whether or not venting is an acceptable reason to be completely ungrateful for everything you DO have, but then I gave into the wave of fatigue that had built up all day and ended up falling asleep. Probably for the best, because I woke up this morning feeling more sorry for myself than angry. However, I detest feeling sorry for myself, or for anyone else....
Listen, I just spent three months growing out the hair I had to shave off for brain surgery, and it was starting to look reasonable. Now, after three weeks of radiation, and more than a month to go, my hair has started to fall out again. Part of me wanted to start pulling it out because I hated it for getting my hopes up, that I could maybe look decent so quickly! Another part of my wanted to avoid anything, like a strong breeze, that could cause more of this precious hair to leave my head. I can hide from the breeze, but all it took was a few showers to make me nearly bald again.
I couldn't figure out why this mattered so much to me! I guess it was the fact that I am getting married in about a year, and now I have to start my hair from scratch again, if it ever comes back. There is the possiblity that it will never grow back, and while I write it down here, fully aware, I will still be shocked and devastated if that happens. Will I even have hair at my own wedding? Other girls don't have to worry about that, but I do!
There are other things I could "vent", but I am not going to. I guess it would be nice if people realized that I do still read this, and maybe taking a minute to reflect on the good instead of the bad would be better than lashing out. I understand that this is the place to get angry and say what needs to be said, but maybe for life in general, just take a step back and be grateful. It's a struggle for me, but at least I try. |
|
|
| Treatment |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|09:23 am] |
I started radiation treatment this last week, which also means I started chemotherapy. I have about thirty thousand pills I have to take every day, and I am thirsty all of the time. So, instead of starting school like all normal people, I am starting to shrink the tumor in my brain. However, with all of those radiation beams being shot into my head on a daily basis, I now have increased swelling in my brain, which means almost constant headaches. I have great plans for the day when that is over!!!
In case any of you don't know, I will send out this warning: Chemotherapy greatly weakens the immune system, so for the next six weeks and then for six months after that, the flu for me could mean really serious illness. So, you've been warned. If you are sick, or if you think you may be sick, or you've been around a sick person in the last month or so, please stay away from me. And, please stay away from Frank, because I want to be able to see him without being afraid. Thanks!!! |
|
|
| Just so you know.... |
[Aug. 2nd, 2004|10:57 am] |
|
The more I think about it, the more I feel like the timing of this whole thing (engagement) could not have been better! How many people propose to someone with a brain tumor? If Frank had proposed before this whole thing, I would be worried that he would be having second thoughts or regretting his decision. If he had waited until after, I would question his commitment. However, he asked me right in the middle of this whole ordeal, which makes me the luckiest person in the whole world, because I get to marry (someday) the greatest person I have ever known! In the midst of all this radiation/chemotherapy junk, I am still so blessed! I love you, Frank! |
|
|
| Happy News! |
[Aug. 2nd, 2004|10:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
Just wanted to let you all know that Frank and I are engaged now! YEA! We are certainly not getting married any time soon, but now we don't have to go by the silly titles of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".... Hooray for that! |
|
|
| Pathology report |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|02:12 pm] |
I got my pathology report back yesterday. For those of you who are not medical experts, a pathology report is what they do on your tumor after it is taken out of your head. They determine what grade it is, 1-4 (1 being very low, 4 being dangerous), and then they tell you what to do from there. Well, my tumor is a 2-3. It is primarily a 2, but it has some features of a 3. So, I will be getting radiation treatment this summer, and tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment with my neurosurgeon who will tell me everything that is involved in that. There is still a chance that radiation will not get everything, in which case I will need chemotherapy. I think I really expected this tumor to be a 1, so from here I am not getting my hopes up for anything that sounds too good to be true. I will have radiation, I will have my head shaved completely, and I will be very, very tired for the rest of the summer. I don't know if I will be able to return to school in the fall. However, I will get through this stage and hope with all of my might that this tumor doesn't come back again. Whatever it takes, I will do it. I am just afraid that I will have to deal with this thing for the rest of my life. Actually, I know that I will have to deal with this tumor for the rest of my life.
Thanks again for all of your support. I don't know how much I feel like doing things this week, since I am still recovering and taking medication, but maybe later I will be up to going out and stuff. I really appreciate all of the love and encouragement I have received, and I will continue to need it as I go through the summer! Thank you! |
|
|
| recovery |
[Jun. 21st, 2004|08:38 am] |
|
Just to let you all know, I am home from the hospital. Everyone there was surprised at how fast I recovered, but then they realized I was twenty years old and was strong like that! Anyway, you guys need not feel bad or anything like that. There are so many of you who did try to call or visit or get in touch, and that truly means the world to me! I will find out my pathology report today, hopefully, and then we can move on from there. Thank you for all of your love! |
|
|
| Today |
[Jun. 15th, 2004|06:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID! Hope you are having a fantastic day doing whatever!
Second of all, I just want to remind everyone that I am having surgery on Thursday, June 17. This will be brain surgery, the kind where they open up your skull and take out the invasive tumor that has been growing in there for years. Now, I know that many of you truly don't care, and that's okay, but I thought SOME of you might care. I thought I had friends here, but it turns out that I don't. Don't get me wrong, there are those people, good friends, who come and take me out for ice cream just because. There are those that stop by before their brother's graduation party to give me my birthday gift and tell me that this will all work out. There are those that spend an entire day moving your stuff to LA just because they are cool like that and want to show that they are the friends worth saving. And there are those that just call and ask how you are, or send e-mails :), whether you will remember it the next day or not. And then there is Frank, who comes to visit me every single day he has off, except when he has to move all of our stuff to a new apartment, and calls me twice a day, and just loves me more than anything! You guys have made these past few weeks worth it, and you make me look forward to the weeks and months and years ahead. Thank you for that! You guys are my friends! |
|
|
| New Stuff |
[Jun. 11th, 2004|05:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
First of all, congratulations to all of the graduates! Graduation is still one of my most wonderful memories, and I wish you all the best as you embark on whatever lies ahead. I wish I could be there!
As to new info, I have a surgery date and it is June 17. This is REALLY soon and I am starting to freak out. REALLY. I want this all to be done as soon as possible and everything, but it is starting to hit me that in less than one week, this Thursday, I am going to have brain surgery!
I know that you are all busy right now with graduation and the end of the school year, but I don't know if you realize the gravity of the situation I am going through. This Thursday, I am going to have my skull opened up and my brain exposed and tampered with. I am not okay with any of this! I am terrified of every possibility under the sun, and I don't really know how to deal with it. I will also have to have my hair cut really short (almost shaved style) so they can access the portion of my brain (left frontal lobe) that needs to have the tumor removed. After the surgery, I will face a long recovery that may include learning how to communicate again.... The left frontal lobe is the area where speech, comprehension and communication all take place, and even though this part of the brain is ten times better that having this in the brain stem (basic functioning), I am terrified that I will lose something I can never get back!
Anway, I guess I have felt a sort of under reaction here. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I expected something rather than nothing. I have no intention of ruining this wonderful weekend for any of you, but I suppose I am just really starting to see that I am truly scared. Frank and my family have been here for me constantly, but even that has been a matter of concern. People keep coming up with their small, petty problems and acting like they are big deals, and they don't see that these things pale in comparison to this. I wouldn't ever ask another person to go through what I am going through, but I hope you can see how lucky you are to not have this surgery and recovery and possible radiation afterwards (and still possibly cancer) looming on the horizon. I have to face my own mortality at twenty years of age, and that sucks. There is a 1-in-20 chance that this surgery could kill me, and no matter how small that sounds, it is not zero. I hope you can all understand that this is really hard for me, and I hope you all realize how good your lives are, if only for the fact that you are not dead. |
|
|
| Random, I know |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|09:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I know that I will probably repeat this to all of you at least three or four times more, since I am having so much trouble remembering anything I do anymore (who can blame me?), but I just had a thought: I only had a seizure because my tumor, which has been growing for awhile, started to leak at that particular moment and cause extra swelling in my brain. It just started to leak, for no apparent reason! I had been driving my car earlier that day, and had my tumor decided to leak about four hours earlier, or perhaps it had already started by then, I would have been in the car and therefore, probably dead. I must ponder what fates combined to have it happen when it did, that night, where it did, in the safety of my own apartment with Frank, and why I am still alive today! I know it probably doesn't sound like a big deal to any of you, but when life just hands you a free pass sometimes, you want to know why you are so lucky, even if you do have a brain tumor.
Anyway, I know that you don't know what I am going through, nor would I ever dream of putting anyone else in my position ever, but if you could just take a moment to see how lucky you are to not have these worries in your life, you would see just how good life is. I know it just doesn't mean the same thing, but I could be dead right now, I could be dead in three weeks, and some things just don't matter in comparison to that! In case you don't know, there is still a 5% chance of complications after surgery (blood clot, stroke, stuff like that), and I can't control that. But, I will be grateful for these next few weeks with my family, with Frank, and hope that you will all continue to keep me in your thoughts.
As I am here in Hemet, while my functioning may be limited because of medication or cognitive reasoning deficiencies, I am fine. I am still feeling a lot of pain, most likely as a afterlash of the seizures, but I am not dead and I think when people here "brain tumor", they assume the worst. So, no reason to be afraid or timid, because I am not scary looking nor am I unrecognizably incoherent. I think I am surprisingly normal. We'll see what the next few weeks have in store!
David, thank you and your family for all of your caring this last week! It has been truly touching to see all of the people who are willing to do anything at times like these, and as much as I don't really remember you coming to the hospital twice, I know that you did and that means a lot to me. I love you, I love Frank, and I am grateful. |
|
|
| Hi |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
I just wanted to give you all the latest info, since I realize not all of you have a way of knowing what it going on. I apologize in advance for any typos or weird phrases I may use, since I am heavily medicated, still at risk for seizures and a bit slow right now. Anyway...
I went to a neurosurgeon on Wednesday who said that I most likely have a low-grade brain tumor. The only way to know conclusively what kind of a tumor (they do not think it is malignant) would be to go straight to surgery, since a biopsy would not provide enough information. So, within the next few weeks, I will be having a craniotomy so they can remove as much of the tumor as possible, determine what kind of tumor it is, and then decide if there even needs to be any follow up treatment. If the tumor grows, I may need radiation, or if it is cancer, which they doubt, I will need chemotherapy. All of this will be determined after surgery.
I cannot begin to describe how strange all of this is to me! I still do not think I am truly grasping what is going on. As much as I do understand all of this, every time I hear it it still sounds unbelievable and unreal to me. It was over a week ago that I had the seizures, and I was hospitalized and it all seems like it happened yesterday!
Until my surgery, where they will shave my head, I will be here in Hemet, and through the post-operation period. I had to leave my job, but I was assured that as soon as I was ready to return, they would have me back. I don't know whether or not I will be ready for school in the fall, but my doctor said that it was a possibility, he just doesn't know if it would be good to put that pressure on me. As much as I wish none of this had ever happened, I know that it has and that I just need to deal with it. I need to be done and move on and keep living life again.
I feel like I am rambling, but I do want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers through this time. It will not be easy, having brain surgery and recovery and rehabilitation, but I am sure that this will all be okay. Everyone is so certain that because of my age, because of the place in my brain and because of the symptoms that this is not going to be life-threatening, but it would still be nice to be in your thoughts! Thank you again for your concerns! I hope that this made sense, and that I got all of the information right! I miss you all! |
|
|
| Graduation |
[May. 14th, 2004|08:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  jubilant | ] |
My brother, C.J., graduated today, and I am so happy, and proud, and full of every positive feeling that could ever be imagined! Yea! He is now a USC Alumni, and I am the lowly student.... and I couldn't be happier! Congratulations to you, C.J.! |
|
|
| New Jobs |
[May. 12th, 2004|10:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | U2- Beautiful Day | ] |
As you have all heard, Frank just got offered a new job. But what you haven't heard is that my brother, C.J., whom many of you know, is graduating on Friday, and he got offered a project engineering job in Huntington Beach that will pay up to 45k! Isn't that amazing? I am so excited for him, because this will be his first real job after graduation and it is a big firm that hired him above tons of other people. So, I am so happy for C.J. and so happy for Frank for nailing their interviews and getting great jobs!
I, however, have a new job too, working at the Lyon Center, the USC gym. I will be a front desk/equipment desk employee, and I need new khaki pants! That is the uniform, and I need enough khaki pants to wear at least four times a week. The best thing about my job, though, is that I can schedule my own hours. I can work only two days a week or up to 40 hours a week, they don't care. So, once I get a feel for the job, I can really start loading on the hours, unless I just don't want to. After all, it is summer! The only problem is that I signed up for hours that fit Frank's OLD work schedule, so who knows what will change with that! We'll find out soon!
Anway, I am all done with finals! No more classes for me! I'll tell you, this has been the hardest year of my life, and not because of classes! They have been the extra burden that almost broke me, and I am glad to be done and past this part of my life! So long, sophomore year! Hello summer working at a gym! |
|
|
| Soul Mates |
[May. 10th, 2004|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
I don't believe in soul mates. I don't think there is one person in the world that is perfect for you in every way and creates a perfect relationship without any effort. I believe that love is work, but work that pays off in the end. When two people decide to be together, there is very little chance that combining two lives and two sets of baggage will not create conflict. True love is learning to deal with those problems through understanding and compromise. True love is the daily struggle to see past all of the clutter and right to the heart of a relationship, a bond that should not be broken.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, is does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love can be obtained between any number of people, but once it is found, never let it go. Cherish it, and work on it. It will not always be easy, but it can be worth the effort. After all, the best things in life take the most work.
On another note, I have two more finals left before I am done with this year. And tomorrow, I have an orientation for my new job! I am nervous and excited and filled with anticipation for everything ahead this summer, and I hope it is everything I imagine...
Oh, yeah: I love Frank |
|
|
| Eulogy for Friends |
[May. 10th, 2004|08:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
No, not my real life friends! I just realized that I never addressed the end of my decade old fake pals, my "Friends". What has happened in this decade of my life that makes this TV show so memorable... EVERYTHING! I don't really remember life without "Friends". After all, I was only 9. I have spent a decade with other plans on a Thursday night, a decade imitating them without even noticing. What will fill this void? I don't know, but the scary thing is that I am not even the most obsessed of the fans. There are crazier people than me out there, believe it or not. All I need is the company of every season by my side and I will be fine, just fine. I already have seasons 1 through 3 (soon to be 4!).... What more could a girl ask for??? |
|
|
| Study or Play? |
[May. 4th, 2004|05:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beethoven---Symphony #9 | ] |
This week, although my classes are over, is going to be the busiest! Early tomorrow morning, I am going back to school for the third day to deal with getting Summer Work Study money for a potential job... Right now I am just dealing with the application, let alone getting the actual job. Then, that afternoon, Frank and I are bolting to Hemet to spend Cinco de Mayo con amigos en la casa de Erick. See that? I am almost bilingual! (haha, just kidding!)
On Thursday, Frank and I are going to Costco to start my membership and buy many things in bulk for reasonable prices. Joy! After that, I need to really sit down and study for my first final the next morning.
Then, after my final is over, I will relieve any built up stress by going to Disneyland for the day! It is still amazing to me that I can go to Disneyland any day I want and not have to worry about money and things! Frank got me the best birthday gift!!!
Anway, by telling you all of this, I am freeing myself from having to update for another few weeks. Now, I can go strip down to almost nothing and lay in front of the fan for awhile. It is HOT in LA, and Frank and I have no air conditioner. |
|
|
| Happy Day |
[Apr. 25th, 2004|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | More Human Than Human | ] |
Thank you to everyone who made me feel great for the past few days! I don't want to name people, because then I will feel bad when I forget someone and make them feel unappreciated! But, you all know who you are and you all rock! Thanks!!!
Happy Birthday, Julia! |
|
|
| tomorrow |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Yea! Tomorrow, April 24th, is my birthday! I don't really see a huge difference between 19 and 20 years old, but I will use any excuse to feel special for a day! Yea for me!!! |
|
|
| Beauty |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|12:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lola- the Kinks | ] |
The truth is not always beautiful, but the hunger for it is. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
cindylouhoo4's journal